cupcakes

I have so many photos, and a lot of them are of my dear Emma. We spend a lot of time together and I spend a lot of time with my camera so there always seems to be a fit when Em is close by. I made a mistake yesterday with my Em, just a mental slip which as a mom can be so easy to do. But I absolutely feel horrible.

At the end of October we got a note home from school telling us that Em was Student of the Quarter for her class. We were so excited, and it was an invitation to attend the assembly where she would be awarded with this honor. Being that it was her first quarter of Kindergarten and all, well that made it extra special too. So the note went on the fridge and that’s where it stayed. After 2 weeks of shortened school days from Parent/Teacher conferences, Hawaii’s very own special “Furlough Fridays” (where the kids don’t have school on Fridays for most of the next 2 years), and a holiday sprinkled into the mix, I had to check pretty much every day just to see if the kids had school and when they would come home that day. I was even surprised that they had school this particular Friday, I thought they were all furloughed. Well, they had school, and for Em so much more.

When she came home that day on her bike, she came home to a mom who was completely clueless. You see, this letter that she had received a few weeks back, well it was under several other school papers hanging on the fridge. And mom, me, I… well I missed the assembly. One in which she walked across the stage in front of her entire school as parents stood proudly, placing lei’s over their special students as they celebrated their achievement. And no, she wasn’t graduating college, or high school for that matter, but this was MY baby. Of course, her older sister was there and as Em lay her tear-filled sweetheart face on my shoulder I got the scoop from Nat as I looked on in horror.
“Mom, she was looking for you guys the WHOLE time,” relayed Nat. Of course she was. I sunk. “But me and my friends screamed really loud for her, I mean REALLY loud.” So the tears flowed as we walked into the house, mine and hers. I guess nothing could come remotely close to the feeling that was sinking in. I had disappointed my baby. I had let her down. It was a terrible feeling, one I couldn’t run from.

As we hugged it out, we called daddy at work, and I heard the thud in his voice as he realized too, that we had missed something special for our girl. We were gonna make it up to her, we promised. She would be Princess Emma for the night, we would do whatever she wanted! It was the least we could do. She got a date night with just mommy and daddy (sister stayed with a friend), a trip to the school’s Fall Festival, dinner at her favorite place and topped it all of with a visit to the ice cream shop. It actually ended up being a good night.

And in the morning, the sadness that she had felt was a distant memory. But for me, the guilt remained. No matter what anyone would say, I really felt sad that I had let her down. I was the one who wasn’t supposed to let her down. But just that fact in itself has given me comfort. She expected me there, because she CAN count on me, she knows that I am there, I’m ALWAYS there and that’s why it was difficult. I’m sure there are many kids and parents that wouldn’t give a single thought to their absence. And I don’t mean this as a judgement, but at this point in her growing life, she and I have a pact. Five years and months in my belly and we know what is required of one another. It’s truly a beautiful thing.

As I’ve been reflecting more today on who I am, my roles in my life, I have been rummaging through photos. My Em and I, and our time together, always represented so well in so many photos. It’s the everyday life, the collection of experiences, not just one singular moment that make your children feel special or make you less than what you are as a parent. There are no limits to the fullness she already has inside of her from the love we share…all of us, the whole family. And so that is why her little tear was mended today, so completely. Mommy’s is just a little bigger, life experiences tend to do that to grown-ups. Monday I hope to surprise her with a lei of her own and sit with her at lunch. But I am forever changed.

You see, just like making cupcakes, just like playing in the sand, just like reading our favorite books, just like holding hands as she learns to skip down the sidewalk…in the little things and the big things, she can count on me- we have a pact.